Adopting a Dog

I’ve had a lot of personal and professional changes in the past few months! I moved from Seattle to Salt Lake City and am finishing my PhD remotely, and I got engaged. I also adopted a dog, had to give it back, and adopted another dog! It’s been a real roller coaster.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to have a dog. When I was 5, we moved to a new neighborhood, and, at the time, there weren’t any other kids my age. I ended up playing every day with a golden retriever puppy that lived nearby, and it was my only neighborhood friend for months!

After I made the decision to move in with my now-fiancee, we talked about how we could adopt a dog. I spent a lot of December searching how to be good and responsible dog parents: what training to do, how to make a good living environment, how much exercise dogs need, what to buy, etc. By the time we moved in together in January 2021, we thought we’d done just about as much research as you reasonably could, without actually having a specific dog in mind. (And, because we knew we’d adopt, we were subject to which dogs were available for adoption when we decided to actually commit.)

We made a couple of trips to the Utah Humane Society to see the available dogs and also to talk to adoption counselors down there. They said that the available dogs at that time did not seem suitable for us.

On January 20, instead of going straight to the grocery store like we planned, we took another trip down there. We talked to another adoption counselor, and she said that a couple of the available dogs might fit in well with us after we explained that we lived in an apartment complex (full of other dogs) and discussed our expectations for time with the dog.

Under their guidance, we adopted a 9-month old Akita/Cattle Dog mix named Freddy - we renamed him to Raja since he didn’t really know his name (and it seemed like it might be a better fit for him). By the breed(s) and age, we were advised that he would be high energy, but the counselor seemed content with our plans to exercise/play with him.

As a young dog, he still had some inappropriate behaviors like jumping up on people, counter surfing and chewing on furniture. He also did not have any commands when we got him (the shelter didn’t have any records for him, but they guessed that he had been a stray). But we were working with a trainer, and we were making solid progress. He was willful, but he was very smart and picked up commands behaviors very quickly. In just over a week, he went from regularly nipping at us to licking to get our attention!

However, we noticed that he didn’t sleep very much during the day: there were lots of sounds and movement, especially dogs, in our apartment. And each day, he seemed to become more distracted by everything - after a few days, he would spend almost the entire day running between the windows and the door barking at everything going on around him. He would even stop his own meals just to respond to something he heard.

We realized that he absolutely needed to be playing with the other dogs he saw and heard. But, of course, this wasn’t clear to other dogs and their owners: they just saw a desperate 40 lbs dog jumping and barking through the window. (That taught us a lot about what it might mean when we’re out walking and dogs bark through a fence or window!) When he actually met the dogs outside, he seemed to play with them just fine.

When we got him, he was on anti-anxiety medications to help ease him after his neutering; over the first few days, we weaned him off of them. With a short run in the morning, some play, ~2 hours of walking and consistent training each day, he seemed to be doing pretty well. As we weaned him off and he got more comfortable with us, he seemed to become bolder and more active. He chewed on more furniture and counter-surfed more, and he ignored us more when we tried to redirect him. At the end of the day, he would refuse to go to sleep and would run and play with his toys, keeping us up for hours. And each day seemed to be more difficult than the last.

All of this happened as we bonded more and more with him. He only had a stub of a tail, so he would shake his whole body when he was excited. Each morning, we would be greeted by a vibrating ball of fur so excited to welcome a new day. His eyes lit up during training sessions as he understood us better and better. The evening of the second day, we learned how he loved to chase after his toys, so we were elated to start to really play with him.

Still, it only became clearer that our living situation would not suit him: he might adapt over a long time, but, in the interim time period, it seemed as if he would only get more and more agitated by the ambient distractions around him. We recognized a better fit for him would not be that difficult: he just needed another dog companion (preferably a mature one) and/or a larger space to entertain himself. We guessed that many willing adopters would have one or both of these, while we wouldn’t be able to satisfy those for the foreseeable future.

After eleven days, we made the decision to return him. It’s impossible to convey how difficult of a decision this was: the time we had with him was easily the most emotionally tumultuous time of my life with very high highs and very frustrating lows. We both felt as if we had failed as dog parents, and it hit me so hard that I would no longer be a dog owner after spending so many years longing to be one. Nonetheless, it also seemed irresponsible to keep him any longer and have him grow more attached to us, only to give him back later. (The adoption counselors and trainer we worked with agreed it also seemed like it would be best.)

[Note: I’ve used the past tense to describe Raja, but he’s alive and well as far as we know!]

Since then, I’ve rationalized it as us serving as more of a happy foster family for Raja. We gave him a loving home, helped him learn some commands and worked on some of his inappropriate behaviors. When we gave him back, he was just as excited to see the shelter employees as he had ever been to see us, so that was also a relief - we hope that he ended up thinking of us as a fun vacation before he settled at a forever home.

Even though it was a very emotional process, we both viewed having a dog as a rewarding experience that we were eager to eventually try again. Neither of us had any intention of doing it for a while, but after a month or so I found myself casually looking at adoption sites again. My fiancee was much more hesitant than me (my parents had fostered dogs when I was younger, so that probably made the process easier for me), but she also started looking after a while.

By the end of March, we were seriously talking about adopting again, but we agreed that a major issue before was that the shelter really did not know what was best for Raja since they had only had him for ~5 days. (It seems like if he had had just one or two fewer behaviors incompatible with our living situation, we might have been able to adjust with him. But, if they had known him better, they probably would have known not to give him to us in our living situation. This isn’t a knock against the shelter - they were absolutely wonderful but just didn’t have the full story.) We opted to go with a foster-based rescue (Rescue Rovers) that would have dogs in homes for a longer period of time.

On the morning of March 27, I noticed that Rescue Rovers had listed a 2-year old black lab mix, Josie, as available. Labs and goldens are my absolute favorite dogs, so I was delighted to see the listing - and they described her as medium energy, highly food-motivated and happy to chill out and cuddle. She seemed like she could fit in perfectly with us but also seemed very likely to be extremely popular. Nevertheless, we sent in an application since it couldn’t hurt!

Filling out the application itself was difficult. Having to explain that we gave back our last dog brought back all of the heartbreaking memories from before. We tried to make it clear that we tried to make a responsible decision with advice from professionals, and that we would never make such a decision lightly. (I called my dissertation advisor almost in tears to confirm it was the right decision!) It was (and is) just as important to us as them for the dog to be a perfect fit.

The foster parents called us later to set up a meeting with her and Josie in a park, and we were thrilled just to be considered! We still imagined that we were not a top choice, but we would still get to meet a wonderful dog either way.

When we got there, the foster mom said that she was very happy to read that we were interested in lifelong training of the dog. (And we really are! Training with Raja had been a fun bonding experience.) She seemed excited to share her perspectives on training, while we walked Josie around. By the end of the meet, the foster mom seemed almost completely ready to have us adopt her. I think what really sealed it was when she let Josie wander (in a fenced-in area) and called her back, Josie ran back to me instead of the foster mom. (That’s what I choose to believe anyway - I loved that.)

It was overwhelming when she called a day later and said that we could have her if we chose to. We had gone into it fully expecting to not even be under consideration. My fiancee’s parents were in town, too, so that added another layer to the situation. Nonetheless, she seemed like she would fit in really well with us, and we adored her, so we just decided to commit.

By the end of the time we had with Raja, we had moved nearly all of the furniture into a closed room (in order to minimize chewing). We figured we’d start Josie off the same way, and approached her first few days very cautiously. We had been warned that she was very particular about going potty outdoors: she was fully house-trained but would only go in “her yard” (we fully anticipated having to clean an accident in the apartment as she learned what her area was).

It’s been a little over a month since we got her as I write this, and she’s warmed up to us and our living situation very well. She has not had one accident yet, and we’ve moved all of our furniture back the way we’d had it before we got her. She’s been very polite in her behavior except when she gets too excited to meet someone and jumps up (but we’re working on it, and - luckily - she’s not very persistent about it!) or really wants to play with other dogs (but she’s not absolutely desperate about it). She is very vocal: she really lets us know when she wants attention or if she’s worried or excited about another dog.

But, overall, she’s been a joy so far, and we love her more every day. (Hopefully she does, too!)

Lessons I’ve Learned (As a Novice Owner and Dog-Adopter)

1. Dogs are individuals with their own quirks and personalities.

   This is probably abundantly clear to many, especially those who have owned dogs, but, for me, who only ever played with other people’s dogs, it was not really something I understood.

   I had the understanding that training a dog and having it settle in was basically a test of patience/consistency with some exercise thrown in. I’d been told that dogs are “easy” and always looking for treats and attention. I figured that if I followed the instructions for teaching commands, redirected unwanted behaviors and gave the dog lots of pets and love, then I’d quickly have a happy and obedient companion. It seemed like, with a flexible work schedule and lots of free time, I could easily accomplish this by just pouring in a lot of time and attention. (I realize that that all may very well still be true, but it sounds so much easier than it necessarily ends up being!)

   I didn’t realize that I’d have to learn what motivates the dog to listen and what stimuli excites/distracts the dog. I didn’t appreciate that dogs don’t necessarily know how to play with you and that they might be more interested in chewing than playing with the toy you tossed!

   But the reality also feels much more interesting and rewarding - I didn’t appreciate what “bonding” with a dog really meant until experiencing it. It is amazing.

2. Be very picky about fit.

   Given the first lesson, it’s pretty clear to me now that there is probably always a risk when adopting. Almost by definition, no one offering adoptions can know the dog(s) completely, so you can only use as much information as is available.

   That being said, one mistake we made was anticipating how accommodating we could be. We knew that living in an apartment would be limiting, but we thought that as a somewhat-active young couple with flexible work, we could handle most dogs. (We did want to avoid major behavioral issues like aggression.) We figured that, with enough walking and playtime, even a high-energy dog might be able to fit in with us. It turns out that we could not have a dog so obsessed with other dogs or such high energy that he’d resort to highly destructive behaviors. Hopefully, we don’t learn any other problems the hard way!

3. Be happy with any and all progress.

   I never thought that I would have imagined tossing a toy at 11pm as “progress,” but it was a huge milestone in our relationship with Raja. Before that, he didn’t know what we wanted when we tossed the toy, and we didn’t know how he wanted to play with us either. But, in that moment, we made the wonderful connection of how to play in a way we all seemed to enjoy.

   Progress in commands and unwanted behaviors is also very iterative, and it can stall or even revert - for no discernible reason, at least to me! I have enjoyed the reward of every new step, and that seems necessary to ride out the frustrations when it isn’t moving forward.

Categories: Personal